


Don't Lose Yourself

by orphan_account



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, heavyangst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:54:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22525129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "I can't say anything in case I say something else in my imagination"
Relationships: Lee Sanghyuk | Dawon/Yoo Taeyang
Comments: 7
Kudos: 20





	1. 01

01

Being in a group together has it's advantages and it's disadvantages.

They're close, but only because they can't be anything but. They're family, but only because it's what comes naturally. Taeyang is happy, he's grateful that he has another family away from home, but there are members who are more like older brothers, and some who are more like friends. He loves them all equally, but one makes him uneasy. There is a member who has never quite fit into friend or brother.

Dawon is an odd ball, constantly drifting from far to close, from shy to confident. They were closer, back then, but there are moments when Taeyang feels as though there is something else.

It's always been a joke, that the two of them weren't close, Taeyang wonders when it turned into reality.

He wonders what it even means to be close to Lee Sanghyuk. If it means sharing words and touches as often as Inseong, then Taeyang is anything but. If it means hating his kisses like Chani pretends to, then perhaps he is closer.

Taeyang never knows what Dawon wants, because sometimes it seems like he doesn't either.

He doesn't know when to move closer, or when to keep his distance, because either way they both end up hurt. Dawon makes him uneasy, so he keeps his distance, and the elder tries his best to hide it, but he knows that his jokes are his way of coping.

Dawon has a loud personality, like a lion, but he also has the pride, and so he will always accept Taeyang's cold shoulder, but turn his back to lick his burns in private.

When Taeyang moves closer, Dawon shrivels into himself, blocking off a side that he only shows to others. It hurts, so Taeyang holds back most of the time, placing his wall right up beside his the elder's.

And there are moments in which Taeyang feels nothing but confusion, moments in which he doesn't get hurt, but he hurts Dawon most of all.

Every once in a while, Dawon will open up like a slowly blossoming flower, his shield entirely gone. He is fragile in those moments, and he lets Taeyang in with the innocence of a child. There is nothing threatening about it, but Taeyang can't cope with the change, and so he shuts him off, turning a blind eye to the elder's sensitive side.

He regrets it every time. They both do.

Dawon is known for being a bit on the mean side, cracking jokes and occasionally expecting things from others. Sometimes he asks too much, and no one ever listens to him. Slowly, that brings out a less desirable side of him. 

Taeyang knows Dawon well, because he has studied him for so long. He knows that Dawon isn't the type to give up on people, and so he tries harder, because he is scared. He raises his voice, because he is afraid no one will hear him. Dawon cannot stand losing someone, because he unintentionally gives a piece of himself to everyone he meets.

In reality, Taeyang is much more cruel. Taeyang never lets anyone get too close, but he is so gentle that others easily ask things of him. He's nearly always eager to please them, and so he gives them what they want, but there is an empty promise in every action. Taeyang gives them his stem, but never his flower.

When Dawon asks things of him, it's overwhelming, and Taeyang feels he is asking too much. It's too vulnerable, too close to a part of him he doesn't want him to see, so Taeyang will never give him what he wants.

Taeyang has wounded him more times than he can count, but by the time he regrets it, it's too late, and Dawon isn't open to him anymore.

Sometimes it's difficult, being so close yet so far away. The others see it as them being awkward, but perhaps it's because only Dawon is able to see this side of him. His shield doesn't exist to others, because he makes sure they never see anything but.

He slipped up once, a long time ago, and Dawon saw the real side of him. It was only for a split second, but Dawon has never forgotten it. Taeyang has never let anyone in since, turning a blind eye to what happened and refusing to talk about it.

Everything about it hurts him.

Dawon had opened up his petals then too, and accepted him with his entire being. Yet it wasn't enough, it wasn't anything but a mistake.

Every time he hurts him, every time he sends a jab at his at his soft side, Dawon closes it up tighter and tighter. Taeyang is slowly turning him into himself, because he is too scared to face anything else.

Taeyang hasn't seen the real Dawon in over a year, he's not sure if it still exists.

Things between them run much deeper than they should, and because of that Taeyang is unsure of where Dawon stands. He's neither a brother nor a friend, Lee Sanghyuk is much more than that. 

He's a threat.


	2. 02

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning: some strong language
> 
> not proofread, there will likely be mistakes

Taeyang was a little more sensitive that day.

Everyone was cautious around him, knowing that he had argued with hwiyoung just hours before. Hwiyoung was like Taeyang's nest, and everyone knew that if his safe spot was bothered, Taeyang would be uneasy the whole day. No one wanted to get involved, not when it was a fight between two friends.

Truthfully, Dawon had just stumbled in at the wrong moment, in the wrong place. Both Taeyang and Hwiyoung had looked at him in annoyance, clearly caught up in a very emotional and intimate talk. Taeyang normally held back, he always held back, but his lips had opened to spit fire that day.

"Really, can you never read the moment? Are you that dense that you just stumble into anything without thinking first? Get out."

Dawon's lips had opened out of habit, and he had grown angry first, ready to mumble something about a lack of respect for his elders, but something about Taeyang made him feel bare. There was something about his quietness and his calculative eyes that made him feel like he had something to hide. His lips closed, and he simply glanced at the pair before closing the door behind him.

He didn't have time to feel angry, just uneasy, and he had never been so grateful that their schedules rarely matched up those days. 

The last string holding them together broke that day.

The days passed by rather quickly after that, and before he knew it it was time for a broadcast with all of the members together. Taeyang had been working diligently at practicing choreography, and Dawon was burdened with the task to go and retrieve him. Despite his best effort, it just wasn't possible for someone else to go in his place.

He had stumbled into the room quickly, catching the attention of the younger boy who had just begun to gather himself up from the floor. They locked eyes through the mirror, and Taeyang spun around to look at him. 

"Dawon hyung?" His voice exposed him first, coming out confused and slightly anxious, but Dawon paid him no mind.

"It's time for the broadcast." The tone had come out flat, a meaningful contrast from the other's, but at that point Dawon hadn't cared. 

"Ah, okay."

He'd nodded at him, and just turned around to turned to leave, when Taeyang had called out to him. His stomach had dropped, and he stayed facing the door, wanting nothing more than to get out of this situation. 

"I'm sorry, for what I said that day." And that was it, the side of him that Dawon has never gotten along with. Taeyang thought too much, and he felt too guilty for things. Dawon had wanted things to end as they were, and for them to stay as they were, but Taeyang had tried when he shouldn't have. Dawon didn't want to face that uncomfortable feeling that he got from him anymore, because it was too much, it was too tiring. While the other members filled him with energy, Taeyang was the opposite, and he drained him even when he shouldn't have.

It's not that Dawon had hated him, or that Taeyang was a bad person, but there was too much there. They had too much tension, and it wasn't the kind that they should have had, but an ugly one, where they would almost certainly end with a non-existent relationship.

His voice had been quiet, in the way it always was, and Dawon wished they were different people, so that it hadn't felt so ugly. Everything about Yoo Taeyang brought out an ugly side of him.

If he'd accepted it, things would go back to the way they were, only more tense. If he'd said yes, he'd be granting Taeyang permission to act as if everything was okay. Dawon forgave him, he was never hurt, but maybe he never did, because there was an uneasy, ugly feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Dawon said nothing.

______________

This time it started with Inseong and Dawon being too loud in the living room, giggling over something that wasn't entirely funny, but their overly exhausted brains had seemed to find hilarious. Inseong had pushed him, and Dawon had slammed against the side of the couch with a thud. He burst into laughter at that, quickly shoving Inseong back.

The door had opened then, and Taeyang had stumbled out, causing them to both look in his direction. He'd held a serious expression on his face, suddenly dampening the mood.

"Can you two be more considerate of others? We're all trying to focus, and we can't do that with your noise." His lips fell into a line, deep eyes glaring the two of them down. Dawon had glanced at Inseong, watching as the boy's happy smile disappeared, suddenly growing angry.

He stood, getting closer and closer to the taller male. The uncomfortable feeling in his gut had dissipated, and his veins filled with red, hot rage. 

"Honestly, if it bothers you so much, why don't you just go somewhere else yeah?"

"Why don't you two go somewhere else? Maybe go have some strong drinks with the other loud assholes outside?" Taeyang bit back, eyes flashing. Dawon grit his teeth, hands reaching out to shove him just as Jaeyoon appeared in the hallway.

The younger boy stumbled, slightly shocked that Dawon had gone that far, but the other boy had stared back at him blankly, eyes filled with nothing but anger. Something about it felt so personally offensive, and Taeyang could feel himself begin to crawl into his shell.

Jaeyoon caught him before he knocked against the wall, holding a hand out to stop Dawon from coming any closer. "Stop it."

"What's wrong? Can't do anything but talk, Taeyang?" His tongue burned with hatred, and he reached another hand out, trying to provoke the other boy. Taeyang moved further back, walking around the kitchen table and grabbing his jacket. Dawon followed him, stopping the younger boy who refused to look into his eyes.

That was another side Dawon had never gotten along with, the side that just gives in. Taeyang always stopped too early.

"Oh look, he's getting sulky again." His voice had come out sharp, and he flicked a fist full of hair on the younger boy's head. The other boy swatted his hand away, and moved past him, ripping off the hand that gripped onto his arm.

He hid the red marks before Dawon could see them, but they left a scar inside that hurt him forever.

"Where are you going?" His question didn't really matter, Dawon didn't really care, and Taeyang knew he didn't, but he answered anyway.

"Anywhere, anywhere away from you."

"See, this is exactly why I hate you, Yoo Taeyang." The words came out naturally, and Dawon only realized what he'd said when Taeyang had turned to look at him, wide, watery eyes filled with pain. 

"I know, trust me, I know." His voice had come out a lot different than he would have liked it to, and he'd quickly turned his head as he felt himself begin to panic, his body filling with emotions he didn't even know he had. He fumbled with the doorknob, quickly opening it and stumbling out.

The door slammed behind him and Dawon glanced at the time.

3:23am

He froze, the image of the younger boy engraved into his head. He knew he saw something the others shouldn't have seen, that Taeyang had mistakenly revealed something he wasn't supposed to, and he turned to glance at the boys behind him.

Jaeyoon and inseong were staring at him in surprise, and Dawon stumbled his way into his room.

He knew what he needed to do, he knew he needed to go after him, but Dawon wasn't strong enough.

That night he'd silently gone to bed, laying wide awake while listening to the others make calls for hours, each one taking turns in looking for him, all while talking about how immature Dawon was. Dawon didn't close his eyes for a second that night, too focused on the darkness of the room.

Everything he did had consequences, and there were bridges burning that he would never be able to fix, but Dawon had been ready for it.

He wasn't strong enough.


End file.
